#i just have to keep this hope or I'll die
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I don’t know if you do male reader! But if you can please do make it that and if not do gender neutral.
Buttttt I would love a fic where Male reader just puts Jimmy (mouthwashing) in his place, just fucks the shit out of him really, give him a taste of his own medicine kind of thing, just rough sex.
I’ve love your work, and your writing is so amazing!! Take your time please if you do my ask 😭🙏
Hi Anon! Thank you so much for this proposal and for your words. I hope you and others like this fic. 💙
Male!Reader x Jimmy (mouthwashing)
⚠️ TW: NSFW, abuse, degradation..
"A taste of your own medicine"
I had entered into this 'great adventure' to feel better and to be a little more useful. I don't think I'm a bad guy, I just have a very strong sense of justice when it comes to the bad things that happen to me or, rather, to the people I like.
When one time, Anya, the Tulpar nurse had taken me alone to the infirmary, only to break down crying in front of me, almost screaming about how Jimmy had abused her, used her, as if she were just another piece of meat; something in me broke at that moment, I was furious. Even though I only tried to hug Anya and comfort her
"Please don't tell him anything! He'll kill me, I swear, he will..."
"Don't worry, I won't tell him anything, I promise Anya."
Of course that was a complete lie but honestly, I didn't want her to worry anymore. Curly was a corpse that could barely breathe, Swansea and Daisuke were just trying to do what they could to keep going; and on top of that, this idiot, in the end, ends up getting away with it like a slippery worm in the mud.
So, I just didn't think about it, I didn't want to think about it. Do I really have to think about it at this point when we're all about to die?! I don't think so. I looked for Jimmy, and I found him, he was almost hiding (so to speak), he was in the console room, this room was full of that white foam shit, Jimmy looked upset; I went in, closed the door behind me, the room was red because of the lights.
"You?! Get out of here, I'm making a plan because of your fault, because of Curl-"
He spat out his filthy words, thank god I'm a bit taller than him and fast too, I quickly punched him in the face, sending him crashing to the ground, the metal making a giant clatter. Jimmy gasped, his face scrunching up in anger, already getting up as he staggered to punch me. I grabbed him by his overalls, "Oh, don't you think you can, you little shit" - I quickly tackled him back onto the metal floor, chest face down, being crushed by my weight.
"You think you're a genius, without feeling guilty about all the things you've done?! Huh?!"
I grabbed him by his hair, lifting his head forcefully to whisper: "I'll make you taste a little of your own medicine.."
He gasped in shock, I used my hand to slam his head back into the cold ground, him gasping at the pain it caused him. I quickly tore with what I had of my strength, of my fury, his pants and pulled them down, I heard him scream beneath me but I quickly spanked him even though he had boxers on, he screamed loudly at this.
"Shhh... You like doing this to innocent people but you don't like it when it's done to you? Crying bitch..."
I started to hit his ass more, his body responded with small spasms, he also let out small gasps at my spankings. I got closer to his face, my mouth on his ear to whisper: "If you try to escape, I'll kill you."
I let go of Jimmy's hair, for a second I thought I saw tears in his psycho eyes as I got a little closer, I could only smile at the thought. I positioned myself behind him to tear the fabric of his boxers, his ass was already red; I couldn't help but bite my lower lip furiously, seeing so much pain from someone who had caused that same pain.
I started to hit him more, his ass turning a painful red, I heard Jimmy let out a scream out of nowhere causing me to quickly squeeze his ass with my big hands: "Shut up, you didn't let her scream, why I would let you then? Get your ass up."
Jimmy's hips shook but he still tried to lift them as best he could, I saw him turn his head slightly to the right to see me behind him, I saw a small dry tear come out of his eye. I would lower the zipper of my jumpsuit to take it off below my hips and take out my cock, resting it between Jimmy's two red and sore buttocks, he would jump when he felt it: "Oh, is the abuser sensitive?" I said with pure sarcasm, he dedicated himself to sticking his face to the floor. My cock began to harden, leaving pre-cum at the entrance of his ass, I would rest the tip of my member at the entrance, I decided to take just a few seconds to tell him with a furious voice: "I hope this hurts" - I slammed my penis inside his ass completely, without gentleness, without love, only fury and revenge.
Jimmy's little screams would sound all over the room, with the red consoles and that foam around. I would hear him gasp, I don't know if it was from pain or pleasure, I didn't care; I would pull out and bury my cock against his ass while I grabbed his red buttocks to hold him even if it hurt, I would hit him from time to time, just to take out the anger I have of him ON HIM.
"Stop! Stop please!"
"Oh no... we're going to be like this until you can't move anymore."
I grabbed his hair back so I could ram him deeper, my hair disheveled from moving so much, in a harsh way I grabbed his hips and rammed one last time, my balls would pucker as I would cum inside him, even being inside, still grabbing his hair I would guide his head so he would turn to look at me, he had saliva coming out of his mouth, along with dry and new tears coming out of his tear ducts; I got closer to his ear and whispered:
"Take responsibility Jimmy."
I threw his head against the ground, leaving him lying there, as I stood up to put on my overalls without a care in the world, I walked to the metal door, before leaving I gave him one last look; lying there, panting, having small spasms, and the worst? He had cum, his semen shot in his abdomen.
#anya mouthwashing#captain curly#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing#swansea mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#jimmy x reader#mouthwashing game#smut#mouthwashing x reader#mouthwashing x you
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someday I won't have to face autumn alone
#i just have to keep this hope or I'll die#i have to believe it's possible#i might not deserve it but I'm still here and somehow I'll have to make it work#no substances no pain no shame or guilt#or maybe a distant and numb feeling of these things#but also hope and connection#a way to heal and give back and not hurt#anyway#it's late so I'll blame it on that#alex talks
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I gave myself a writing challenge and I am fascinated by it
So basically I put the robins in a randomizer to give them a new order/role (because I just...kinda wanted to see what would happen + I like role-reversal AUs) and got results that are giving me a fucking brain blast.
Stephanie, the first sidekick who defines the role
Tim, the sidekick who dies and comes back wrong
Dick, the sidekick who saves Batman from himself
Damian, the sidekick who was never supposed to be a sidekick but would go on to prove everyone wrong
Jason, the youngest sidekick who is still the Kid Wonder
...So this is fucking wild. I've got some ideas and several of these fit perfectly (Dick's role is pretty similar to his one in canon), but some of these are fucking INCREDIBLE to explore (Steph being the first Robin is something I never even considered but tbh I kinda love it).
I probably won't write a fic or anything because tbh I don't like publishing my writing that much, but I might expand this into a full AU and post about it. I might randomize other stuff too (ie, stuff that I cannot change vs stuff that I cannot keep the same) but this fucking rules as a starting point.
#uhhh what am I calling this??#randomizedrobinsau#stephanie brown#oh my god I am so excited to figure out how tf to write this.#because she's my favorite of these characters and having HER be the first sidekick + the one who has a mentor/older sister relationship#with the others?? kickass. though I'll probably keep her and Tim's relationship as 'dating-then-exes' because I think it's funny#and then SHE can be the Robin who Tim got fixated on + figured out her identity?? holy fuck and then the angst of Tim later dying#Tim Drake#tbh I kinda wish he'd gotten a different position because 'sidekick who dies' Tim has kinda been done a lot with the standard#reverse robin aus. But it'll still be fun to write. Definitely going the Joker Junior route with this because Batman Beyond kicks ass#Dick Grayson#He'll honestly probably be the easiest. Like...his role has not changed much outside of being younger/not the one who defines this#But I still think it'll be good to see how well I know Dick beyond his eldest brother thing (which is my best way of relating to him)#Damian al ghul#damian wayne#oh this is gonna kick ass#Bruce does not want his son to be a sidekick but Damian just kinda forces his way into that role#and everybody doubts him because of his history with the league but he later proves himself more than capable#to the point that he can set out mostly on his own and still thrive#Jason Todd#Jason being the baby of the family is also something I have never thought about but holy shit it could kick ass#I really hope that I don't roll 'Jason must die' or 'Robin 5 must die' on the randomizer. I just kinda want Jason to live this time#But unfortunately I double-screwed him because he's on the 'must happen' wheel twice now. I did not think these prompts through#TBH I am so happy that none of them rolled their OG roles. because that would have been so fucking boring
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I think I'm growing up alright. I'm gonna keep at it.
#i worry a lot#you know#i'm afraid of other people#i'm afraid of the future#but i know i can overcome#or at the very least#the worst that can happen is that everything falls apart and i die#which would solve a problem i was looking for solutions way back when#so no worries there#i want to be connected#i want to hold onto something real#i want to become something real#i having become real want to reach out to you#with my weak arms and this slender spider's thread to carry us#maybe i'm doomed to fail#i don't know#i won't find out till the end#and there's just one chance anyways#so whatever#i'll keep going#i hope i can become someone worth relying on#not just an amusement or someone to ogle (though i'm not averse)#but i want to make the world just a little bit nicer#for those of us who fear it too#hand in hand#but i have wings that can take me anywhere#so i know i'll reach that distant sky
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as positive as i want to be ... i'm fucking terrified . and seeing some of you post things about hoping we burn ? you do realize that some of us are trapped here and are scared , right ? that we're here trying to figure out how we're going to survive and instead of support we're being told the whole fucking country should burn ?
we are scared . and seeing that shit ? just lets us know we have no support and no safe place to go .
we're already fucking terrified of our existence becoming illegal and now we can't even have a space here to find support ?
cool .
#ooc ↳ mox#politics tw#brb going to cry myself to sleep#and try to figure out if zig and i need to rush a courthouse wedding#just so we can make sure we can get married#and try to figure out how to fund his top surgery before shit goes down#and hope and pray that my student loan payments don't bankrupt us#and that i can still have access to birth control that i could literally die without#and that i'll still have access to the medication that keeps me stable#but yeah... let everything burn i guess
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i can't believe i come back momentarily from the dead and it's with more cancerous memes. Two versions bc god had other plans, none which included not having both of these.
#hand jumper#juni chang#ishaan cha#where my juni enjoyers at#did i ever mention i was the qpr ishjun guy i probably should've hung that up in a sign as a warning in advance#i don't f around with these bros they're my little guys they're the scunkledoodles#they're everything and i'll actually fight you on them if i see something egregious or slanderous of them#they're my children they're my little DSM-5 case studies they're my little sillies i keep in the petri dish#whether they beat each other up or talk crap is up to sleepacross tho they my only hope#the fp got me acting up i'm on the delulu cocaina i need to be shot#shot down or shot dead pick one just PLEASE end my suffering#WHO IS THE CELL 3 MENTOR JUST END MY SUFFERING INSTEAD OF HOLDING CELL 3 CRUMBS OVER MY HEAD#AND IF ONLY JUNI IS OVERSEEING THEM OR THEY'RE GOING IN UNSUPERVISED I'LL EXPLODE#STRAIGHT UP.#SHOOT ME DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH#sighs#i could've been simping over that one panel of sayeon like everyone else#not the mirror one or the sayjin flirting kismesis ass vacillating btw#you guys should fp just try it i swear you won't regret it#use the magical powers.....#share the burden.........#i as your personal demon that makes rounds around your head approve of this please#consider throwing some coins or 28 for even more brainrot i'm like dying in a corner and WILL die in a corner waiting for tuesday#also i have testing next week too i think hj is just cursed like that#we love to see it though
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🌧️🐇
#feeling sad today bc it's my mom's birthday#and i couldnt afford getting her anything :< i've made a card but tbh i feel so dumb even giving her that like wow.. useless#my sisters are spending the day with her so i cant even be with her at all. and she likes spending time w my sisters more than me anyway so#im just keeping away. it makes me sad tho that they can all hang out but ..#like im actually such a shitty person and unwanted and just an awful person because not even my family wants to be with me#i feel lonely bc i dont get to partake in my mom's birthday celebration and that my family doesnt even want me to#and my mom doesnt think it's valuable to spend time with me today. she doesnt even want to... im just a burden and a bother#i feel so unlovable and unwanted .... and it makes me sad and i just wanna die lol#bc i truly truly am annoying and not important in their lives#why do i even exist? why do i even do anything? why do i even talk to anyone when all i am is a burden#i make everyone's lives worse and more difficult. im only a pain to deal with. i cant ever do anything right either#idk... i just hope my mom had nice moments w my sisters today#maybe i'll try to hide the card on her desk so she can find it so i dont have to give it to her skskks
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Replayed Modern Warfare 3 2011 on Veteran tonight and goooooooood night. Blood Brothers never gets any easier to watch no matter how many times you've done it and the ending really never misses huh
I apologize for the amount of yapping in the tags I reread it all on mobile and started giggling because it went on for so long but eh. Blessed are those who won't shut the freak up and all that
#call of duty#modern warfare 3 2011#i just. wow. wow wow wow wow wow#i've played these three games so many times over the last several years and i just.#they literally. never get old.#loose ends and blood brothers will never not make me cry and endgame and dust to dust will never not make me smile so hard#ending it with price smoking the cigar like he did in the first mission in the first game wHEN HE FIRST MET SOAP JUST UGHHHHHH.#i know y'all don't care but i don't care that y'all don't care i could literally yap about this until i shrivel up and die#i have never ever ever in my LIFE seen poetic justice played out so beautifully like it is at the very end#JUST. WOW. WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW. WOW WOW. WOW#they do not frickin make games like that anymore DADGUM#i also forgot how frickin sad down the rabbit hole is?? like jeez louise they didn't have much screen time but gosh#i also have never in my life heard such gut-wrenching anguish from a grown man in my life like price in that one scene#I KNOW Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT MAN MAKES ME FULL ON S O B IN THAT PART HE HAD NO BUSINESS#anyway i'll keep cutely living in denial and pretending literally any of the main characters besides price and nikolai are fine <3#foley and dunn and their team seemed just fine at the end of modern warfare 2 so i will accept that small mercy#at this point these games have taken everything else i love away from me so#y'all probably think i'm wild for how insane i get over these games but the nostalgia bit is a big part of it as well#like they're honestly in my opinion genuinely the greatest video games of all time#but the fact that i have that connection with my dad makes it so special#crazy cause he said he also cried in blood brothers and my dad is 54 and i have seen him cry one (1) other time in my entire life#heck infinity ward but also bless them i hope the devs live long beautiful wonderful prosperous delightful exciting fulfilling lives#Lord bless them and their entire bloodline for the contributions they have made to humanity not even joking#AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FREAKING SOUNDTRACKS DO NOT GO THERE OAUSYDJAKAKDN#MW2 AND MW3 CREDITS. EXTRACTION POINT. COUP DE GRACE. RETREAT AND REVEILLE. CONTINGENCY. PARIS SIEGE. PRAGUE HOSTILITIES. RUSSIAN WARFARE.#UGHHHHHHHGHHHH everything about these games is so unbelievably perfect and immaculate#i have got to get over my art block NOWWWWWWWWWW#makarov is also the best villain i've ever seen idc bro he's frickin awesome#i mean obviously he's horrible and a disgustingly evil human being but as a character he's stupidly well-written
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#another day another vent post#i really shouldn't keep doing this honestly. it doesn't solve anything i think#but i feel I've been too trauma-dumpy in the places i usually go and my dm restrictions mean my options are limited#so.... tumblr it goes i guess#helps that the problem tonight is feeling completely numb and apathetic.#isolating myself because i don't give a shit whether i live or die#and honestly can't really make myself feel..... like any of it matters#is it my meds doing this? who knows.....#any number of things could have caused this#i just. don't give a fuck enough to think about what#i have therapy on Thursday. I'm hopeful it'll help#well. normally I'm hopeful. I'll pretend i am now too.#start actually doing something about whatever is wrong with me.#sigh...#...i don't know if this is a cry for help or not...? i guess I'll slap in the same 'one-time free pass' to dm me on discord again#i can't really picture myself replying and i have no idea what would help. nothing feels like it would. and i may honesty to god just#fall asleep instead.#sorry to keep doing this shit#one day it'll be better#maybe.#Hopefully.
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why did glowing mushroom mixins go up to 4.5m, the update literally changed nothing. they last exactly as long, do the same thing, and are crafted with the same materials 😭
#man dont make me craft all that myself just to save a few coins. i crafted one once. it is TEDIOUS that was horrible i hated it#at least i have 2 brewed god pots left but i wanna keep one if i can since they dont exist anymore lol#anyways i am going to bed soon i am tired and sore from work today so i cant stay up as late as i was hoping >:(#20% to fishing 45 SOON SOON GOOD ARMOR SOON !!!#im almost fishing 50... what the hell do i do after that-#FORAGE??? i'll die#back on that extremely slow dungeons grind i guess kjfhkg#ehh i always have lil things to do here and there. but i like leveling skills i miss it :'(#the pain of having nearly maxed skills#you couldnt pay me to start a new profile tho i dont like early game lmao#bingo is on THIN ice#chat#sb
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i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!
#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this#i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked#so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage#could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better#my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real#otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking#spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc#what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active#so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible#without spiking my hr to zone 4#so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything#i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards#outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is#i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me#based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not#some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works#but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again#because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now#i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog#but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less#i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis#so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important#this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty#shit talking
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#//////////////#having a hard time this morning because i went to college for seven fucking years of torture in the hope that i could get a degree#and make some money so i can finally have control of my life#instead of always relying on other people to take care of me and having to follow their expectations for me#and here i am with no job no income no hope of that changing anytime soon living in somebody else's house#no money for mutual aid no money to fly and go see my soul sister in another country who's having a baby in a few months#when i didnt go to her wedding and havent seen her in almost a decade#it's something i've been trying to patiently accept for years but today its just really pissing me off#i really really dont want to be bitter but i do understand bitter old people more every year#i just have this underlying belief that i can have it all if i'm just clever enough to figure it out#possibly because i can't stomach the idea of giving up and accepting the things that make me die with disappointment#the buddha was right. desire does seem to be the root of all suffering#i always prided myself on my ability to be content but now i'm not sure#i'll breathe through it and just keep trekking on but these old grievances are always tucked away inside me somewhere#i've loved enough old people to know it doesn't go away#you just learn to live with it#so i guess i'm just going to have to do the same#tw vent#ls*#swearing#personal
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U know I'm deciding rn. If I'm still single at 30 then I am just Having a goddamn baby
#the sky speaks#can't wait around forever#like i would prefer to raise a kid with a partner. and romance sure sounds nice. but having a baby sounds nicer :/#and while having a kid kind of complicates dating or whatever. why would i personally wanna date someone who doesn't want kids 🤔#I'm not ready for one rn but I'll never be 100% ready bc no one is. but i hope by then i have a steady enough job or smthn. idk#rambling now . currently watering plants at work#have yet to see any cool bugs. too early for them. sad#OH and the animal care tech job didnt pan out but i was encouraged by both the head of department and my moms friend who is a professorThere#to keep applying bc sometimes it just takes rly rly long#my moms friends ex finally got a job there after like 8 months#so imma keep trying#thankfully i have zoo job until november#thats. life rn ig#just chillin. been playing mc lately. havent been drawing enough. still sorta have a crush on this girl at work but also shes SO annoying#OH i did an open mic and it went well :)#i went to a Party (arguably a small get together with alcohol) and didnt die (crazy for me)#and thats that on oversharing hour! thanks for tuning in
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oh my god earlier this week i was talking to my mom abt how i used to constantly feel bad even at elementary school despite having good grades and not having social issues or mental illnesses yet (undiagnosed autism aside). and she really helped me crack the code by saying "yes you always came home angry about (kid in my class) getting better grades than you in math or (friend) being better than you in english even though you knew she is american" and then it clicked. i was simply always a jealous competitive annoying little bitch who has to be the best and most specialest at everything or i may as well die
#this isn't even the result of being raised in a certain way. beyond praising me for being smart my parents really tried their darnest -#- to inspire me to be mediocre and not crash over being less than perfect#i was literally born this way...... god damn#it's a bit annoying. bc it's one of my biggest issues and why i have trouble in almost every field#(as in. socially. creatively. educationally when i was still at school)#how the fuck does one even unlearn that shit if you're born with it... that's like the only constant thing about my personality...#>:( god dammit#vent#kinda????#is it??? idk!!!!!#i will say it does ig. best way to put it in english. make me despair to think about#bc if it's an inherent part of me and it brought me so much pain for literal decades now. what hope even is there. yknow?#idk how people function like that like i see ppl talk abt this sort of thing but they just keep going??#i genuinely shut down when i am less than perfect. that's kind of why I'm so stagnant all the time. also why i wanna die constantly#bc like what is even the point of living like this. this is meaningless. i may as well be dead and achieve the same results#well now it IS a vent so it's a good thing i put that tag there. but I'll also add#negative //
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twitter having 'national girlfriend day' trend tonight is so funny like how did they know i was thinking of masato
#snap chats#he's still my toxic girlfriend sorry#i was sitting by the road today and being emo As Per Usual and i thought about comin on here like#'maybe if i looked at pictures of my evil toxic girlfriend ill feel better'#maybe i should just draw him... idk im not really feeling like. EXISTING tonight#i keep hoping ill die from high blood pressure soon and its just not happening like cmon....... dont play with me like that blood pressure.#ok bye im gonna. idk.#drink matcha ig#i called my dad just to say hi because im trying to do that more and i just ended up crying like a BABY#and he just told me to eat cause he knows me and he knows i hate myself and that means i Wont eat 😔#i mean he said a LOT more obviously but yk.. the eating part's relevant since im talking about just drinking matcha and calling it a night#prrroobbbabblyyy not the best hting to do.... not when thi smatcha apparently got creamer and sugar in it The Fuck#I DIDNT KNOW THAT my disappointment is immeasurable... i just wanted pure matcha tyvm...#maybe i should start odering it online since i know i wont find any locally...#but those are plans for when i have money and dont feel like lying on the side of the road#for now uhhhhhhhhhhhhh i GUESS i'll have tea... and quiche... so i dont disappoint my dad....#he'd never know but i'll feel bad.... ok bye...#we'll see what i do in the next couple hours but one things for certain i WILL think of my evil toxic girlfriend <- masato
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i need to get over myself and learn the languages i want to learn if i want to learn them like i just need to do it if i want to learn them then i should go out and learn them and like . fuck whatever else any of it means . yes it IS embarrassing to learn a language like the ones i want to learn as an adult but who CARES and yes i KNOW my grandparents will never want to speak to me in those languages but who CARES if it's important to me it can be important to me anyway
#had a moment last night bc i was apparently having an identity crisis which was random#but i had a moment where i was like well even if i learn all these languages no one in my family is going to want to speak to me#in those languages because of [insert reasons i don't need to go into here] and so ultimately none of this is like . cultural Really#it's just me wanting to feel as though i am connected to something when i will never be#and maybe that's true or maybe it isn't but if i want to learn them i should learn them anyway like . at the end of the day#i DO want to learn those languages and i think it would be interesting and i would love to be able to speak to people#in those languages even if the people i speak to aren't related to me and i would love to be able to speak languages that aren't english#and that all stays true even if i am not able to have the cultural connection through language with my own family#like i can go on and on about how disconnected i feel from my culture bc of everything that has ever happened in my life#but how i still feel alienated bc i'm Not White to white people and all of that is true but not learning a language doesn't make it#any better and maybe learning a language won't make it better either but i think it's a better use of my time#ALSO !!!!! NO ONE EVER GOES OH WHY WLD U LEARN FRENCH OR SPANISH [OR INSERT EUROPEAN LANG HERE] u have no real cultural connection to it!!!#so like why is it different bc i want to learn asian languages??? it's not! except in my head! or maybe irl too but i'm just saying#that i think i make all of this a much bigger deal than it has to be#that being said i did just try to look up classes and they r all for children and about keeping children culturally connected 2 their famil#l m f a o but that can't be ALL the classes ............. i'll work it out is what i'm saying and i need 2 get OVER myself#bc none of it is that deep and i can feel conflicted all i like but i should fucking DO smth about it at least#anyway i am posting this in the hopes that i can beat it into my own head bc i am sick and tired of being weird about learning#languages and i need 2 get over my weird cultural identity issues if i want to like . live a life where i don't want to explode and die
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